Four Communication Errors to Avoid in Relationships
We are taught many things in school; however, effective communication is missing from many schools' curricula. Effective and healthy communication can make or break a relationship. Just ask Drs. John and Julie Gottman, who have observed thousands of couples and have conducted nearly 50 years of research. They have found four relationship-busting communication errors. These communication errors are known as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." Let's break these down and, most importantly, discuss ways to avoid them in your relationship!
Error #1: Contempt
Contempt is by far the most hurtful and detrimental communication error. It signifies disgust for your partner. Contempt is often displayed through eye rolling, sarcasm, cynicism, aggressive anger, hurtful or biting humor, a sense of grandiosity, and insults/name-calling.
I can't stress it enough…Stay away from contempt, especially if there are children present! Instead, build an atmosphere of gratitude and appreciation between each other and in your home. Remember your partner's positive qualities and behaviors and recognize those with them.
Error #2: Criticism
Criticism usually occurs at the beginning of a conversation with a sentence starting with "you." It is a statement that implies blame or verbally attacks one's character. Some examples include, "Can't you ever clean up after dinner." "You never take what I am saying seriously," "You're being so selfish."
Healthy relationships are built on effective communication. When concerns arise, and they will—using a gentle approach can result in a healthy and open dialogue. Validating, empathizing, and understanding rather than exhibiting defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling creates emotional safety in a relationship. Start by sharing your feelings using an "I feel" statement, followed by specifics of the current situation, and then your request. For example, I felt misunderstood and ignored when I asked for help cleaning the kitchen after I cooked. I would appreciate it if we could commit to whoever doesn't cook doing the dishes." This disarming approach is the start of the conflict resolution dialogue. Click here if you are interested in reading The Do's of Effective Communication.
Error #3: Defensiveness
"I hear you are upset, but that's not what I meant." "I'm always apologizing; you never say you're sorry."
Instead, take responsibility for missteps and validate your partner's experience rather than dismiss or undermine. Simply changing "that's not what I meant" to "I can understand why you would feel upset" shows your partner that they have been heard and seen. Validation and empathy alone can immediately diffuse a situation.
Error #4: Stonewalling
We can often feel and overwhelming emotional and physiological response when we perceive our partners are confronting us. While there is an evolutionary reason this occurs, as it protects us, in relationships, it signals distress in one partner and results in abandonment for the other.
When feeling overwhelmed, ask your partner for a break. Before disengaging from your partner, the person who requested the break sets a time to check back in (at least 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours) and then does so at that time. If more time is needed, set another checkpoint. Then, take some time to self-soothe and reset your nervous system. Soothing differs for all of us, but some examples include walking, exercising, journaling, meditating, practicing yoga, or hitting some golf balls. It is best to stay away from substances as there is a possibility the effects will lead to additional escalation.
It is important to refrain from these communication errors as much as it is to use healthy tools to share your thoughts and emotions with others, especially when they are heightened. Check out the Communication Do's blog post here for additional tools. As always, reach out to us here at Better Being Psychology Group so we can talk about how we may be able to help you and/or your partner communicate better.