We argue, should we break up? Debunking Common Myths About Conflict in Relationships

It may sound counterintuitive, but conflict in a relationship is normal and necessary. It is important that we have an outlet for sharing our hurts, our grievances, and our concerns. Just because couples argue does not mean that a couple is unhappy or should break up. In fact, how we fight with our partners is often the determining factor in couples staying together or breaking up.

I hear often when working with couples, “we fight about the same thing.” This is not uncommon. Very often we either try to solve the problem or prove we are right. However, many conflicts cannot be resolved, instead couples learn to manage them through effective communication and by understanding the roots of the conflict. For example, one partner may refrain from sharing concerns because they are afraid their spouse will abandon them if they rock the boat. This leaves the other partner feeling lonely, rejected, and anxious. Examining our emotions and beliefs about relationships and how we connect with others will help the couple handle situations differently. This approach fosters compassion, empathy and validation, which is more important in a relationship than being right! If the couple can see the abandonment / rejection pattern, they can then work against it as a team.

A few other misconceptions about conflict have to do with emotions. First, negative emotions are normal and need to be addressed in relationships. Anger, disappointment, and shame do not need to be avoided or suppressed. In fact, allowing space in a conversation for the healthy expression and validation of these emotions leads to emotional safety and intimacy. Second, we cannot separate emotions and logical thinking when problem solving. Men and women are equally emotional and logical. The best outcomes come from listening to and understanding our partners’ thoughts, feelings, and ideas. And last, yes, we hurt our partners’ feelings. While we should do our best to refrain from hurt, when it occurs, we need to respond as opposed to react. Individually, soothe and share with your partner how you feel. As a couple, repair–work to deescalate the situation and move toward connection!

Navigating relationships can be challenging, but with a few good tools, couples can be quite successful at navigating conflict. We are here to help! Reach out to learn how these tools and more can specifically apply to your relationship.

 Gottman, J.S. & Gottman J., Fight Right (2024). Penguin Random House.