6 Signs that it May Be Time for Couples Therapy
Are you wondering why you are not feeling heard or validated in your relationship? Are you wanting more connection and understanding from your partner? Quite often couples fall into negative communication patterns and don’t realize the impact they have on the relationship. These patterns can erode trust, disrupt psychological safety, and limit intimacy. Dr. John Gottman has identified 6 signs that a relationship may be in trouble. Let’s review these signs:
Sign 1: Harsh Start-ups to discussion
Beginning a discussion with a criticism or accusation can shut our partners down from the start. Beginning discussions with, “You did, you made me feel” elicits a defensive or stonewalling response. We all know that “Oh shit, now what” thought and sinking feeling when confronted by our partners. While we have the right to share our grievances with our partners, how we do that matters for the most optimal outcome.
Sign 2: Critical Communication errors
Drs. Gottman has identified 4 communication errors that significantly impact communication and conflict resolution for couples. They have labeled these the Four Horsemen. Click here to learn more by accessing the blog titled 4 Communications Errors to Avoid in Relationships.
Sign 3: Feeling Emotionally and Physiologically Overwhelmed
Stonewalling, one of the four horsemen, is our way of protecting ourselves from the discomfort and overwhelm. We may physically and / or emotionally disconnect from the discussion. This often happens when our partner’s allegations surprise or blindside us, so we respond by avoiding it at all costs. We may avoid eye contact, turn away from our partners, or leave the room.
Sign 4: Physical Changes
When in conflict with our partners and feeling emotionally overwhelmed, our body responds as if it is being pushed out of a flying plane without a parachute. Yes, that is our Fight / Flight or internal alarm system responding to perceived danger. When this system is activated, we may experience increased heart rate and blood pressure, shallow or constricted breath or fluctuations in bodily temperature. The triggering of our internal alarm system leads to relationship discord because it indicates that one partner is experiencing emotional distress when dealing with the other. It also decreases our ability to access the skills necessary to resolve disagreements.
Sign 5 Failed Repair Attempts
Repairs are attempts at deescalating a situation. These attempts can take the form of a break, acknowledgment of wrongdoing, taking responsibility, smile, or humor. However, if these attempts fail, it is likely a sign that the Horsemen are wreaking havoc! Click here to read more about repair.
Sign 6: Negative View of Past
When couples are happily married, they look back on their relationship with positivity, even when things are not going smoothly. Those couples who are unhappy often rewrite the past, viewing it through a negative lens. This lens then clouds their present and future.
The good news is with an awareness of these trouble spots, you have the power to steer clear of them. Seeking out couples therapy before your relationship hits a crisis point suggests a better prognosis. Using more effective means of communication and defending against the Horseman leads to connection and intimacy. You can learn more about what makes relationships work by clicking here or contact us to speak with one of our skilled therapists who can help you navigate communication your relationship!
Reference: Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.